Making a Great Marriage

When you’ve cross the milestone of marching your daughter down a 175 feet aisle, it gives you pause to look at the aisle you and your bride walked down yourself.

I remember that full moon evening on March 17, 1989.  I was a nervous 140-pound young man who walked out in front of family and friends onto the chancel of the Omwake Dearborn Chapel. As I watched the wedding planner open the doors into the 80-foot high gothic nave, I saw the most

Omwake-Dearborn Chapel

beautiful woman I had ever seen walk towards the candlelit transept. Even today, I remember my heart racing. We left that church and reception with the typical naïve expectation to what life would hold. We had only clues to what it would take to make for a good marriage. Our ride was just beginning.

Now, 27 years later, I am able to look back and see the road map that we forged to what I know my wife and I would call a good marriage.

First off, I will tell you that it didn’t just happen. There are so many things in this world that seek to destroy your marriage and happiness. So, what is it that makes two people happily devote themselves to each other for their life? I'll share with you my thoughts.

1.     Give when you want to get. Norman Maclean once said that “As humans, we are a d(ang) mess.” That quote was from one of my favorite books, "A River Runs Through It." I think what Maclean meant by this is we are all a product of a fallen world. By nature, we are selfish. In life and in marriage, when we allow “our wants” to be number one, we have set ourselves up for a selfish driven life. A selfish driven life means that we are putting our personal wants, needs, and desires above anyone, including our spouse. Many times it's because we are seeking control of the relationship or control of the relational environment. So, how do we give…when we want to get? I will tell you it is done with intentionality. Happenstance most likely will not work. You have to seek out the needs of your partner. Your goal in life should be to meet and exceed the other's expectations. The amazing thing is, overtime, your partner will see that you really want the best for them and they will begin to demonstrate reciprocity ( if they hadn’t already). As the years go by, if you do these things, you will bump into each other trying to serve the others' needs. Now that is a beautiful thing.

2.     Love even when you’re not being loved. I’d love to tell you that my wife and I have never fought. The fact of the matter is most couples do. It usually revolves around money, work or just plain being selfish (see the above paragraph). A repeated word I will use is the idea of loving someone with intentionality. Don’t look at all of the weaknesses of your spouse; rather, use their shortcomings to be a way to see your own. When your spouse treats you unloving, don’t lash out at then; rather love them. You may say “How do I love someone who is unloving?” Personally, I lean on my faith. My faith teaches me that I was loved when I didn’t offer love. Don’t be afraid to say “I’m sorry” or “you’re right” or maybe “babe, I disagree with you, but I love you more than I disagree”. Fights are like small field weeds, if left alone, and watered with more and more fights, they can grow into really big things and ruin a beautiful field of gold. Love your spouse. You’re just as imperfect as they are…. I promise. My acknowledgment of that reality changed my life!

3.     Seek after and devote yourself to what makes the other happy. Know your spouse's hobbies. Without a doubt, I know my wife’s hobbies, her sense of style, clothing, and her favorite perfume. I have studied her since we met.  I absolutely delight in seeing her happy. She is my best friend. No one, no earthly thing is more important than her….not a golf game, hunting trip, nights with the boys….nothing,  not even my children. Raising children is about preparing them to meet adult challenges; its about preparing them for potentially being wed someday. I believe the best way you can show your children love is through a loving healthy marriage. That bring security to them.

Call me old school, but I don’t want my wife to open doors, I offer her an arm walking down steps, and I always pay her compliments. I try in every way to make my wife’s life better. I don’t always succeed, but I honestly try.

27 Years

4.     Remember that marriage was not created by man, it was the invention of a Supreme Maker. This is the overarching idea that has made our marriage so great. We both look upward to a heavenly father. We both understand that He is more important than each other. I call it the positive triangulation of God. When we use this, we are able to see the calculation of our personal coordinates as it relates to God.  As each of us get closer to our Maker, we are drawn closer together. That is a beautiful thing. In your marriage, each of you should be seekers of God. All the things I have pointed out are attributes of His nature.

Marriage is not about chance, but it is a chance to show someone that they are number one, more important than yourself. When two people do that, they are showing just a small image of the love that God had for you with His Son. So, just think about it, in your marriage, you are showing a glimpse of God’s love for the world.  Humbly I will tell you that my wife and I got it right; and it has made all the difference. My goal is to make Elizabeth’s life the best it can be spiritually, physically and emotionally. As a middle age guy, I know the end of our ride will be great, no matter what struggles we are thrown, we have each other!
 

Consider reading Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages. This number one selling book has helped many marriages. If you'll just recently married, read it and invest in your relationship...You'll be glad you did.

Kyle