Parenting thoughts from a middle aged father.

July 2006 our family at Cape Canaveral 

Parenting was an on-the-job training exercise for Elizabeth and me. I remember the first dirty diaper (about twenty minutes after Ashton was born). There I was, a 25 years old with what I thought was the daunting task of cleaning this foreign material that was in the cutest little diaper. It didn’t take me long to become a professional posterior disinfectant specialist. I look back on those days with incredible fondness. We were post-kids having kids. Like the trip we took to Cape Canaveral in 2006 seeing the Discovery take off, its been amazing  to watch them launch into adulthood.  I look at my children today and take great pride in the young adults they have become. I would love to say “we did good”, but maturity gives me the retrospective to understand it was God-Us-Family. I have a friend who asked me recently what I thought made good parenting. While my answer wasn’t exhaustive, I offered him some ideas that we had considered and used as young parents. Here are the cliff notes of what I shared.

      1.)   Church. Keep your children in church. Encourage, and sometimes require them to participate in church organized programs. Now, make no mistake, I don’t believe church saves, no more than owning a leather-bound bible...that's Jesus. I also recognize that even in Church Youth Groups there are negative influences. With that knowledge, I am confident that a child’s worldview is 2-part influence by family and 1-part influenced by friends. With this understanding, we always thought the risk was better for this "1-part” to come from a church environment than elsewhere. The writer in Proverbs 27:17 says “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another”.

Family camping at Grayson Highlands, Virginia  

      2.)   Alcohol and other addictive substances. Now, I am risking people calling me a hypocrite when they read this. When my kids were teens and pre-teens, we never kept alcohol in the house. Did we occasionally have a drink you might ask; yes. However, knowing that some people can't control alcohol consumption and that any high school student should not drink because of the danger, not to mention the law, we chose not to have alcohol in the house. As the kids got older and their maturity level increased, we explained that as an adult, you can make these types of decisions on your own. And alcohol, whether we like it or not is a gateway to controlling substances.  The pre-teen and high school mind many times doesn’t know how to say no to entering the next level. According to the 2015 National Survey on Drug Use and Health, about 7.7 million Americans between ages 12-20 report current alcohol consumption; this represents nearly 20% of this age group for whom alcohol consumption is illegal. Our position was to not make it taboo, but to not make it easily available.

      3.)   Understanding the pecking order. We always made it clear to our kids that our allegiance went in this order; God-each other-kids. Elizabeth and I always believed that the most effective parents were those who were one in spirit and mind. My kids will tell you to this day, “I heard my parents tell each other openly how much they loved and cared for each other”. I believe that priority of relationships will serve young parents well as they raise their children.

     4.)   Family: The strong core family that we had growing up was so important to us. Like roots that intertwine, parents who are loved and supported by grandparents creates a strong firm grounding. It provided compounding love. I dare say that my kid’s emotional strength comes

because of the investment their grandparents have put into them. 

      5.)   Social media, text messages, and website visits. Admittedly, my kids were raised on the front side of the world-wide web generation. Our attitude was, privacy in our house didn't exit. Just like the alcohol conversation, I believe there is so much “stuff” on the WWW that the developing child mind can't handle. Once that door of innocence is open, it can never be shut. Porn, mindless games, worldview challenges and so much more compete for the control of your child’s mind and initiative. Be careful. In the quiet corners of your child’s room, they could be traveling down paths that have lasting effects.

     6.)   Prayer. Probably the best parenting advice you can receive. I truly do believe that there is a God who seeks you and wants the best for your family.
      7.) Sex talk. One thing I noticed about many of my contemporaries when my kids were young was the fact that the "birds and the bees" were taboo. We knew that the kids were going to get "educated" by their peers, so we chose to that these conversations early...and regularly. If you don't, your kids will most likely learn about this from a worldview that probably doesn't mesh with yours.

      8.) Parenting doesn't end. I'm 50 years old and still listen to my parents advice. As my kids gain their independence, those bumper rails that were put up for their protection are now optional. But my goal is to be a father of adult children who are not afraid to tell me their heart, even tell me no, and most especially be the parents I had when they decide to enter their next phase of life. 

Parenting

Like I said, this is not an exhaustive list, but I truly believe these are good antidotes for parenting. Parenting is the greatest gift and requires such responsibility.  Looking back, I realize in so many ways I was an imperfect parent, but we both strove to love our children and in unity put them first. In the end, be sure that you consider parenting as a JV…joint venture. The creator of all is always there to be your best advocate. That's why they call him Father.

Kyle Swicegood

Never a Reckless Word

Miss Ella Reading Her Bible at the Store.

Grandmaw, as we called her, was born March 21, 1908. I think about her every spring as we leave winter and enter the budding spring. Living the unique life of having your grandmother sharing a house with your parents creates a special experience for a young man. I understood homemade biscuits, daily. I enjoyed the pride she took in making my bed sheets so taut on Sunday afternoons. She ran a country store just down the street from our house. Everyday around 7:15 she would walk down the street to work; rain or shine. This continued until she was 87.  She warmed the little German lap sided building with wood supplied by the neighboring lumber company. It was a unique environment where you drank sodas from a bottle and occasionally you’d pour Planter’s peanuts into a coke. There was a spittoon beside the cast iron wood stove. Neighbors, farmers and church goers would gather to talk about the weather, crops and community happenings.  I could write a book about the blessings she gave me as a child, but I won’t prolong this short blog. There are certain things I remember more than others. Probably the most significant picture of her in my mind is the one of her seated in front of the open door in her chair with her bible open. This was a daily scene that many who frequented the store will remember. A simple woman, she never spoke ill of people, even those people who ran up a large tab (credit on goods purchased in the store). Even today, I hear her speaking to me; I hear her with that soft country accent offering “truthful lips”, telling me they endure forever. Proverbs 12:18 “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment.”

Her words were never reckless, she never pierce people with a sword; in front of them or behind their back.

I’d love  to visit Miss Ella today. I’d love for her to see Ashton (my daughter) and Lewis (my son). I would have loved for her to have been at the celebration of Ashton’s wedding. But then again, I hope in some small way the goodness that she covered me with showed up that day and even today. So if you read this short novella, know that I was trying to honor my grandmother on her birthday. She would have been 109.