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| July 2006 our family at Cape Canaveral |
Parenting was an on-the-job training exercise for Elizabeth and
me. I remember the first dirty diaper (about twenty minutes after Ashton was
born). There I was, a 25 years old with what I thought was the daunting task of
cleaning this foreign material that was in the cutest little diaper. It didn’t
take me long to become a professional posterior disinfectant specialist. I look
back on those days with incredible fondness. We were post-kids having kids. Like the trip we took to Cape Canaveral in 2006 seeing the Discovery take off, its been amazing to watch them launch into adulthood. I
look at my children today and take great pride in the young adults they have
become. I would love to say “we did good”, but maturity gives me the retrospective
to understand it was God-Us-Family. I have a friend who asked me recently what
I thought made good parenting. While my answer wasn’t exhaustive, I offered him some ideas that we had considered and used as young parents.
Here are the cliff notes of what I shared.
1.)
Church. Keep your children in church. Encourage,
and sometimes require them to participate in church organized programs. Now,
make no mistake, I don’t believe church saves, no more than owning a leather-bound
bible...that's Jesus. I also recognize that even in Church Youth Groups there are negative
influences. With that knowledge, I am confident that a child’s worldview is 2-part
influence by family and 1-part influenced by friends. With this understanding,
we always thought the risk was better for this "1-part” to come from a church environment
than elsewhere. The writer in Proverbs 27:17 says “As iron sharpens iron, so
one person sharpens another”.
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| Family camping at Grayson Highlands, Virginia |
2.)
Alcohol and other addictive substances. Now, I
am risking people calling me a hypocrite when they read this. When my kids were
teens and pre-teens, we never kept alcohol in the house. Did we occasionally
have a drink you might ask; yes. However, knowing that some people can't
control alcohol consumption and that any high school student should not drink
because of the danger, not to mention the law, we chose not to have alcohol in
the house. As the kids got older and their maturity level increased, we
explained that as an adult, you can make these types of decisions on your own. And
alcohol, whether we like it or not is a gateway to controlling substances. The pre-teen and high school mind many times
doesn’t know how to say no to entering the next level. According to the 2015
National Survey on Drug Use and Health, about 7.7 million Americans between
ages 12-20 report current alcohol consumption; this represents nearly 20% of
this age group for whom alcohol consumption is illegal. Our position was to not make it taboo, but to not make it easily available.
3.)
Understanding the pecking order. We always made
it clear to our kids that our allegiance went in this order; God-each
other-kids. Elizabeth and I always believed that the most effective parents
were those who were one in spirit and mind. My kids will tell you to this day, “I
heard my parents tell each other openly how much they loved and cared for each
other”. I believe that priority of relationships will serve young parents well as they raise their children.
4.)
Family: The strong core family that we had
growing up was so important to us. Like roots that intertwine, parents who are
loved and supported by grandparents creates a strong firm grounding. It provided
compounding love. I dare say that my kid’s emotional strength comes
5.)
Social media, text messages, and website visits.
Admittedly, my kids were raised on the front side of the world-wide web
generation. Our attitude was, privacy in our house didn't exit. Just like the
alcohol conversation, I believe there is so much “stuff” on the WWW that the
developing child mind can't handle. Once that door of innocence is open, it can
never be shut. Porn, mindless games, worldview challenges and so much more
compete for the control of your child’s mind and initiative. Be careful. In the
quiet corners of your child’s room, they could be traveling down paths that
have lasting effects.
6.)
Prayer. Probably the best parenting advice you
can receive. I truly do believe that there is a God who seeks you and wants the
best for your family.
7.) Sex talk. One thing I noticed about many of my contemporaries when my kids were young was the fact that the "birds and the bees" were taboo. We knew that the kids were going to get "educated" by their peers, so we chose to that these conversations early...and regularly. If you don't, your kids will most likely learn about this from a worldview that probably doesn't mesh with yours.
7.) Sex talk. One thing I noticed about many of my contemporaries when my kids were young was the fact that the "birds and the bees" were taboo. We knew that the kids were going to get "educated" by their peers, so we chose to that these conversations early...and regularly. If you don't, your kids will most likely learn about this from a worldview that probably doesn't mesh with yours.
8.) Parenting doesn't end. I'm 50 years old and still listen to my parents advice. As my kids gain their independence, those bumper rails that were put up for their protection are now optional. But my goal is to be a father of adult children who are not afraid to tell me their heart, even tell me no, and most especially be the parents I had when they decide to enter their next phase of life.
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| Parenting |
Like I said, this is not an exhaustive list, but I truly believe
these are good antidotes for parenting. Parenting is the greatest gift and requires
such responsibility. Looking back, I realize in so many ways I was an imperfect parent, but we both strove to love our children and in unity put them first. In the end, be sure that you consider parenting as a JV…joint venture.
The creator of all is always there to be your best advocate. That's why they call him Father.
Kyle Swicegood
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