Regret. There's still time

The As I get older, the reality of seeing the end becomes more real; especially since I have reached my most recent milestone...50. Thinking tonight about the word "regret" makes me ponder the past and peer into the future.

I've really tried to live my life with little regret. Being imperfect means I haven't accomplished this; not 100%. But I really had to think about things to jot down those moments where I had personal remorse; internal regret. Moments like some of those silly fights that Elizabeth (my wife) and I had. Going to bed without saying "I love you" Not listening intently to my children because my mind (heart) was at work.

But off with the negative, here is a list (not exhaustive list) of things I don't regret.
I don't regret telling my girlfriend at the age of 17 that I was interested in her as a person and not what she could provide for me. You don't have to read between the line on this on. This decision created a relationship that had a foundation that was built to last.
I don't regret putting God in the center of my marriage. We found out early on, the closer each of us got to God, the closer we got to each other. We called it our God Triangle. Picture that.
I don't regret having children in my mid-twenties. It makes for the entrance into my fifties footloose and fancy free.
I don't regret spending money on trips to the Rockies with my family when they were young. We spent multiple Christmas' in Steamboat Colorado. We would pack our little Christmas tree in the suit case and place it on the dining room table of the condo we would rent. These are memories that I reach for all the time. I go there often
I don't regret encouraging a strong relationship with my children and their grandparents. Truly, their investment in my children have paid dividends in their lives and ours.
I don't regret the two year journey trying to find Elizabeth's birth mother. The journey created relationships we both can't imagine not having in our life today.
I don't regret the travel Liz and I have been blessed to enjoy. We talk often about some of the wild
adventures these travels have provided. Together we have made every effort to embrace the different cultures of the world, from South America to Europe, Africa to Italy, Turkey to Greece. I really encourage you to break outside of your comfort zone regarding travel. You won't regret it.
I don't regret the friendships I've made. My friends have enriched my life. Those of you who are close to me know exactly who I'm talking about. Some of you I've known since I was a child, some of you I have branded cattle with, others I've floated the majestic rivers charted by Meriwether Lewis and William Clark,  others I have filled spreadsheets full of real estate transactions with.
I don't regret spending over 7 weeks  of our lives on mission with Operation Smile and participating in some small way of helping a child with a cleft lip or palette look into a mirror with a new complete smile. 
I don't regret one minute in the duck blind or fishing boat with my son, whether the temperature was 5 degrees in a 4X6 box in the Pamlico Sound or seated in a boat getting a Teva Strap tan.
Should I continue....the thought causes my mind to go into marathon mode. 
So the question is, is there anything I regret I haven't done, seen or participated in. Yes, Yes, Yes. 
The human heart has an insatiable appetite for more, new, something else. I'm not sure if I should say "I'm guilty of that", or simply " yes...that's me."  I think this insatiable appetite is the seed for where many of our goals come from. So I guess the key to a healthy spiritual and productive life lies around how you direct your appetite. 
When I'm 80, I hope I'm able to say, I shared Christ with my friends; not with a fire hydrant but with a gentle spirit. I hope I'm able to say "I've taken care of my body (health)" I hope I'm able to inspire my grandchildren on a life filled with adventure; understanding what is truly the most important things.

This was a good exercise for me to jot these ideas down. Its a reminder to live everyday with intention, creating goals that reflect the goodness of a spiritual king. Like I said, we are imperfect...so Ill end by saying "Life with very little regrets".....that's the good life!

The River Didn't Leave Us.

Every now in then, we need a day of rest.

Early on an April Morning, my good friend Lee Rollins and I rolled through Wolf Creek, a sleepy cross road that follows the Prickly Pear Creek into the mighty Missouri River in Montana. With a hint of dew still on the drift boats parked at the CrossCurrents Fly shop, we eagerly waited for my good friend Taylor Todd to show up. Taylor began his fishing career  while in college. Saving money working at various outfitters, he purchased a Clackacraft boat, a classic drift boat that fly fishermen use to fish rivers. Using the business skills he learned getting his master's degree, and the experience he earned floating the rivers in central Montana, i learned that Taylor was not only a good guy but an exceptional fisherman. 
 The Drive from Helena was amazing as we drove over the incredible mountain called "The Sleeping Giant". Although on the east coast morning temperatures were in the 60s, this morning was a little nippy with temps in the low to mid 30s. So we loaded our gear, put on our waders and headed for what the local fishermen call "The Canyons". This is a section of the river with high cliffs, tunneled rocks where the railroad bridge goes across the confluence of the Dearborn and Missouri.
As I shifted my eyes up the 800 foot banks, I thought about the story you find in the first book of the bible,  "For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy (Exodus 20:8”)".
While God probably didn't really need rest after his magnificent 6 days of creating our earth, I do believe he was making an effort to create the idea that man needs rest and spiritual reflection. I thought, as we drifted idly down the swift moving water, now this is what I call rest. No phones ringing, no email to reply to. If for just 8 hours on this beautiful river, I will participate in my own sabbath, enjoying rest and in my heart recognizing the work that only took God six days to perform.  

Since we showed up in late April and the May fly hatch had only begun to effect the river, Taylor suggested that we nymph fish. When most people think about fly fishing, they think about dry flies. These are feathered flies that simulate various type of fly hatches that are native along the river. So, we used small little nymphs. Trout do most of their feeding underwater, and day in and day out you'll catch more trout on wet flies and nymphs.
My Friend Lee Rollins received his instructions for casting by Taylor.  Being a new drift fisherman,  he had some trepidation about proving his seat in the boat. Nobody wants to fish and see others catching while they're not. Sure enough, H. Lee was the first to reel in a 20 inch rainbow. The colors on this fish were magnificent, but the expression on Lee's face was even more. The pressure was off. Actually the pressure was transferred to me. 

While we did have the best guide on the Missouri River, I couldn't give complete credit to Taylor. Tim Keller in his book, Every Good Endeavor,  spoke about what I see was the truth of our day. He said "To practice Sabbath is a disciplined and faithful way to remember that you are not the one who keeps the world running, who provides for your family, not even the one who keeps your work projects moving forward.” That concept was surely applicable to our day. Each fish we caught seemed like a gift from God.

All in all, we caught close to 20 fish that day. We watched the weather change from 35 degrees to a comfortable 55 with the cumulonimbis clouds towering over the canyons like great big umbrellas of shade.

Weather quickly changing in Montana

Taylor Todd, made our day easy, but more important, his understanding of particular fish holes, stream movements and fly patterns made our experience amazing.
We were set for two days of fishing the Missouri and the second day exceeded the first day in terms of catch. As typical for spring in Montana, we saw a significant weather changes on day two. We started this day just above freezing, saw the sun shine warming the boat up to 50 + - degrees but by 4 PM we experienced sleet and rain. The good news is we had on our Orvis waders and rain jackets; all in all we were dry and kinda warm.

Some people would say we traveled to Montana. I'd say we experienced it. Like a spiritual baptism, our sabbath (rest) on the water cleansed our minds, renewed our thoughts and allow us to re enter our work environment re energized with a greater appreciation of God's creation and friendship.  But understand, we may have left the river, but in our hearts and minds, it didn't leave us. 

Taylor Todd lives in Helena Montana. You'll find Taylor about 9 months a year somewhere on Montana's incredible rivers.  I met Taylor thru the CrossCurrents Fly shop. He can be reached at 406-438-6445. If you're looking for an instructive, fish catching experience....Call Taylor!

Pictured here with his beautiful fiancé, Abby (who's a pretty darn good fisherman)

50 Eve

So, one day you wake up and realize  you're almost 50. You look at your parents and suddenly realize you can remember as a child when they reached that milestone.  Its funny how you begin having self talk the older you get. I've been asking myself the question..."are you really that old" or "has anything changed".... and maybe "have you accomplished all the things in life what  you have wanted."

A friend jokingly told me I was finally entering middle age. Quickly I did the math and realized that that happened about 10 years ago. So, I sit here quietly in my study at home trying to process this milestone...this number that everyone has been joking about with me for the last 12 months.

So, to answer the questions I have been asking myself; yes I'm really almost 50. Nothing has really changed since last year this time, however a lot has changed since I was 40. Seeing a change  over a decade does make you realize change does occur. But all change isn't all that bad. For instance, I've dated and lived with the same woman for 33 years. Together, we have changed...in so many ways. When I think back to the 17 year old high school student who looked at Elizabeth Sharp, a sweet little 16 year old....I thought I was in love. Boy does time make you realize what love really is.

So, has anything changed. Boy yes! So many things. As I mentioned in the previous paragraph, the love I have developed has grown into a word that four letters in 1984 couldn't comprehend. What else? Patience has matured as I've gotten older. Raising children into adulthood, starting a business at age 24 (and continuing that business for 26 years) and having so many emotional and economic ups and downs. All these things make the fabric that a person is made of. It makes you stronger

And the last question; have I accomplished all in life I wanted. Risking sounding over confident, the answer is pretty much yes. I have a four person family who loves Christ as their savior. That's amazing. God gave me the will, insight and determination to find my wife's birthmother. It took me 2 1/2 years, but it brought her together with her past and gave her a bond with brothers and sisters that otherwise would have never happen. That's a great wow moment in our marriage and life together. I have travel to so many places (with Elizabeth) and seen parts of the world I use to dream about. I have friends in my life who have been with me during those emotional and economic times....yet their friendship was like a shade tree with evergreen leaves.

Yes I'm 50. It bothered me at first, but then I realized how full my glass has been filled. I have drank from this glass so many times, yet God continues to fill back to the brim. I'm satisfied with my accomplishments, but stand ready to broaden my dreams, reach for new heights and prepared for what the future holds (If you know my children's age, you can only imagine what that is.)

So, 50...whats the big deal?

Kyle

Parenting thoughts from a middle aged father.

July 2006 our family at Cape Canaveral 

Parenting was an on-the-job training exercise for Elizabeth and me. I remember the first dirty diaper (about twenty minutes after Ashton was born). There I was, a 25 years old with what I thought was the daunting task of cleaning this foreign material that was in the cutest little diaper. It didn’t take me long to become a professional posterior disinfectant specialist. I look back on those days with incredible fondness. We were post-kids having kids. Like the trip we took to Cape Canaveral in 2006 seeing the Discovery take off, its been amazing  to watch them launch into adulthood.  I look at my children today and take great pride in the young adults they have become. I would love to say “we did good”, but maturity gives me the retrospective to understand it was God-Us-Family. I have a friend who asked me recently what I thought made good parenting. While my answer wasn’t exhaustive, I offered him some ideas that we had considered and used as young parents. Here are the cliff notes of what I shared.

      1.)   Church. Keep your children in church. Encourage, and sometimes require them to participate in church organized programs. Now, make no mistake, I don’t believe church saves, no more than owning a leather-bound bible...that's Jesus. I also recognize that even in Church Youth Groups there are negative influences. With that knowledge, I am confident that a child’s worldview is 2-part influence by family and 1-part influenced by friends. With this understanding, we always thought the risk was better for this "1-part” to come from a church environment than elsewhere. The writer in Proverbs 27:17 says “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another”.

Family camping at Grayson Highlands, Virginia  

      2.)   Alcohol and other addictive substances. Now, I am risking people calling me a hypocrite when they read this. When my kids were teens and pre-teens, we never kept alcohol in the house. Did we occasionally have a drink you might ask; yes. However, knowing that some people can't control alcohol consumption and that any high school student should not drink because of the danger, not to mention the law, we chose not to have alcohol in the house. As the kids got older and their maturity level increased, we explained that as an adult, you can make these types of decisions on your own. And alcohol, whether we like it or not is a gateway to controlling substances.  The pre-teen and high school mind many times doesn’t know how to say no to entering the next level. According to the 2015 National Survey on Drug Use and Health, about 7.7 million Americans between ages 12-20 report current alcohol consumption; this represents nearly 20% of this age group for whom alcohol consumption is illegal. Our position was to not make it taboo, but to not make it easily available.

      3.)   Understanding the pecking order. We always made it clear to our kids that our allegiance went in this order; God-each other-kids. Elizabeth and I always believed that the most effective parents were those who were one in spirit and mind. My kids will tell you to this day, “I heard my parents tell each other openly how much they loved and cared for each other”. I believe that priority of relationships will serve young parents well as they raise their children.

     4.)   Family: The strong core family that we had growing up was so important to us. Like roots that intertwine, parents who are loved and supported by grandparents creates a strong firm grounding. It provided compounding love. I dare say that my kid’s emotional strength comes

because of the investment their grandparents have put into them. 

      5.)   Social media, text messages, and website visits. Admittedly, my kids were raised on the front side of the world-wide web generation. Our attitude was, privacy in our house didn't exit. Just like the alcohol conversation, I believe there is so much “stuff” on the WWW that the developing child mind can't handle. Once that door of innocence is open, it can never be shut. Porn, mindless games, worldview challenges and so much more compete for the control of your child’s mind and initiative. Be careful. In the quiet corners of your child’s room, they could be traveling down paths that have lasting effects.

     6.)   Prayer. Probably the best parenting advice you can receive. I truly do believe that there is a God who seeks you and wants the best for your family.
      7.) Sex talk. One thing I noticed about many of my contemporaries when my kids were young was the fact that the "birds and the bees" were taboo. We knew that the kids were going to get "educated" by their peers, so we chose to that these conversations early...and regularly. If you don't, your kids will most likely learn about this from a worldview that probably doesn't mesh with yours.

      8.) Parenting doesn't end. I'm 50 years old and still listen to my parents advice. As my kids gain their independence, those bumper rails that were put up for their protection are now optional. But my goal is to be a father of adult children who are not afraid to tell me their heart, even tell me no, and most especially be the parents I had when they decide to enter their next phase of life. 

Parenting

Like I said, this is not an exhaustive list, but I truly believe these are good antidotes for parenting. Parenting is the greatest gift and requires such responsibility.  Looking back, I realize in so many ways I was an imperfect parent, but we both strove to love our children and in unity put them first. In the end, be sure that you consider parenting as a JV…joint venture. The creator of all is always there to be your best advocate. That's why they call him Father.

Kyle Swicegood

Never a Reckless Word

Miss Ella Reading Her Bible at the Store.

Grandmaw, as we called her, was born March 21, 1908. I think about her every spring as we leave winter and enter the budding spring. Living the unique life of having your grandmother sharing a house with your parents creates a special experience for a young man. I understood homemade biscuits, daily. I enjoyed the pride she took in making my bed sheets so taut on Sunday afternoons. She ran a country store just down the street from our house. Everyday around 7:15 she would walk down the street to work; rain or shine. This continued until she was 87.  She warmed the little German lap sided building with wood supplied by the neighboring lumber company. It was a unique environment where you drank sodas from a bottle and occasionally you’d pour Planter’s peanuts into a coke. There was a spittoon beside the cast iron wood stove. Neighbors, farmers and church goers would gather to talk about the weather, crops and community happenings.  I could write a book about the blessings she gave me as a child, but I won’t prolong this short blog. There are certain things I remember more than others. Probably the most significant picture of her in my mind is the one of her seated in front of the open door in her chair with her bible open. This was a daily scene that many who frequented the store will remember. A simple woman, she never spoke ill of people, even those people who ran up a large tab (credit on goods purchased in the store). Even today, I hear her speaking to me; I hear her with that soft country accent offering “truthful lips”, telling me they endure forever. Proverbs 12:18 “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment.”

Her words were never reckless, she never pierce people with a sword; in front of them or behind their back.

I’d love  to visit Miss Ella today. I’d love for her to see Ashton (my daughter) and Lewis (my son). I would have loved for her to have been at the celebration of Ashton’s wedding. But then again, I hope in some small way the goodness that she covered me with showed up that day and even today. So if you read this short novella, know that I was trying to honor my grandmother on her birthday. She would have been 109.

Biological Siblings..Adoption reunion

I went to my brother-in-law's wedding in Edmonton,Canada in early February.  It was exciting and somewhat a feeling of completion to watch Jeffrey McGonigal march his beautiful bride down the isle.

The significance of this wedding is compounded by the fact that my wife has only known her brother since 1995. He's not 22, he is 40 years old.  The story of an adoption reunion that happen 22 years ago has taken Elizabeth and me to Canada many times, but most especially four incredible times, including this one.

During my search from 1992-1995 for my wife's birth mother, thoughts of brothers and sisters weren't the driving forces. However, after Elizabeth's realization that she was the oldest sister in a family, she shifted from being a middle child in her adopted family to the oldest in her biological family; literally overnight. When we first landed in Edmonton Alberta, we were a young 27 years  old married couple. Her new siblings were 13 to 24 years old. Like long lost relatives, we were both greeted with enthusiasm by each of them. Like a seed planted in the ground, a beautiful tree began to grow, now years later with such deep roots.

As I sit in seat 5A on American Airlines heading south, I am so happy that we were able to be a part of all four of their weddings... most recently Jeffrey to his new beautiful bride Nicole.

Kevin & Beverly McGonigal, their children and new bride Nicole

We have a very unique family. Being adopted at the age of 9 weeks, sent Elizabeth down a path that I believe inevitably lead her to me. With all the things that could have happened to her, being an unplanned birth was her destiny, growing up on a farm in Texas defined the person she is, leaving a 17 member high school class at the age of 16, as difficult as that was, all brought her  to the town of a 17 year old boy who would fall in love with her and in a few years, be driven to connect her to her biological roots.

As I watched Jeffrey's bride, Nicole, walk down the isle, I thought about how pretty she was...  but, I also thought about how in a million years , how we could have missed this day, these relationships, and these continued feelings of completion. After the wedding, I walked down to the chancel of the Catholic Church, looked up, and said "only you God could have written this story....Thank you".

T. Kyle Swicegood

Adoption

Yhttps://youtu.be/UEMw3yIUFCk

This post is specifically for the MacDonald Bible Fellowship class

I hope this video will shed some light on the adoption each of you have thru God, our father.

Elizabeth Swicegood